3 C's
Over a year ago (on May 15, 2017 to be exact), I wrote the following in an email to a friend who I taught with in Guatemala. We have continued to stay in touch although I'm in Texas, and she's back in Guatemala after a short break.
"I'm praying three things (3 c's) right now...clarity for what is next, community (friends), and a companion (husband). Gosh, sometimes I feel so lonely, but I also have so much to be thankful for. This whole transition back to the U.S./new teaching job has been much harder than I ever thought it would be. I still feel very fragile, and I find myself crying a lot, even when I don't expect it. I have a chalkboard in my kitchen, and right now it says, "He is bigger than the pain that aches within us. He is more lovely than all the things we are envious of. He is stronger than the grip of loneliness. He sees. He knows. He is enough." It is a good reminder for me to read again and again. Not knowing is scary, but I guess that is trust and faith, and I truly believe that life with Jesus is far greater than life without Him."
I just sat down and prayerfully began writing to God, telling him (strongly) that I need direction (clarity) and community. I hadn't even gotten to writing companion when I remembered this email, but just yesterday I wrote, "God, More than ever in my life I desire a husband."
Over a year has passed, and these are still unmet desires of my heart. Maybe that is a bit harsh and untrue, because since then, God has provided me with a new job. Since then, God has guided my steps and helped me make a decision about a relationship. Since then, I have started taking graduate classes, even though I don't see a clear path with these classes.
Her response is still as encouraging and hopeful as it was then. "I know God will give them to you as You seek Him. The waiting will be worth it." Two things stick with me. First of all, I must be seeking Him, not necessarily answers to the questions I have. The questions aren't bad; Nouwen encourages us to "live the questions deeply, knowing that you and I are God's beloved" (Spiritual Discipline, 151). However, two years ago, God showed me the importance of seeking the Way above the way. As a result, I want to be able to pray more upward prayers of adoration instead of inward-focused prayers of personal needs and answers. Secondly, she assumes that I will wait and that the waiting is temporary. That means I won't be waiting for forever. There is resolution at some point, but it leaves me wondering. How long, O Lord? What do I do while I wait?
I will RECEIVE Your perfect love, acceptance, and care for me.
I will LIFT You and Your Name above all else.
I will LIVE for You all my days.
I will SEEK You alone.
I will PRAISE You with my lips.
I will THANK You.
I will BE FORMED by You through practices such as stillness, silence, and prayer.
I will TURN FROM the snares of gossip and other sins.
I will BRING peace, joy, and comfort.
I will BE CONTENT knowing that You're the King and Lord of my life, and You are in charge.
I will TRUST You, especially when I don't understand or have a plan.
I will recklessly LOVE Your masterpieces, especially those on the outside and those who intimidate me.
I will ENCOURAGE Your image bearers.
I will FORGIVE quickly.
"My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God."
-St. Augustine
"When you know yourself to be the beloved, and when you have friends around you with whom you live in community, you can do anything."
-Henri Nouwen
"I'm praying three things (3 c's) right now...clarity for what is next, community (friends), and a companion (husband). Gosh, sometimes I feel so lonely, but I also have so much to be thankful for. This whole transition back to the U.S./new teaching job has been much harder than I ever thought it would be. I still feel very fragile, and I find myself crying a lot, even when I don't expect it. I have a chalkboard in my kitchen, and right now it says, "He is bigger than the pain that aches within us. He is more lovely than all the things we are envious of. He is stronger than the grip of loneliness. He sees. He knows. He is enough." It is a good reminder for me to read again and again. Not knowing is scary, but I guess that is trust and faith, and I truly believe that life with Jesus is far greater than life without Him."
I just sat down and prayerfully began writing to God, telling him (strongly) that I need direction (clarity) and community. I hadn't even gotten to writing companion when I remembered this email, but just yesterday I wrote, "God, More than ever in my life I desire a husband."
Over a year has passed, and these are still unmet desires of my heart. Maybe that is a bit harsh and untrue, because since then, God has provided me with a new job. Since then, God has guided my steps and helped me make a decision about a relationship. Since then, I have started taking graduate classes, even though I don't see a clear path with these classes.
Her response is still as encouraging and hopeful as it was then. "I know God will give them to you as You seek Him. The waiting will be worth it." Two things stick with me. First of all, I must be seeking Him, not necessarily answers to the questions I have. The questions aren't bad; Nouwen encourages us to "live the questions deeply, knowing that you and I are God's beloved" (Spiritual Discipline, 151). However, two years ago, God showed me the importance of seeking the Way above the way. As a result, I want to be able to pray more upward prayers of adoration instead of inward-focused prayers of personal needs and answers. Secondly, she assumes that I will wait and that the waiting is temporary. That means I won't be waiting for forever. There is resolution at some point, but it leaves me wondering. How long, O Lord? What do I do while I wait?
I will RECEIVE Your perfect love, acceptance, and care for me.
I will LIFT You and Your Name above all else.
I will LIVE for You all my days.
I will SEEK You alone.
I will PRAISE You with my lips.
I will THANK You.
I will BE FORMED by You through practices such as stillness, silence, and prayer.
I will TURN FROM the snares of gossip and other sins.
I will BRING peace, joy, and comfort.
I will BE CONTENT knowing that You're the King and Lord of my life, and You are in charge.
I will TRUST You, especially when I don't understand or have a plan.
I will recklessly LOVE Your masterpieces, especially those on the outside and those who intimidate me.
I will ENCOURAGE Your image bearers.
I will FORGIVE quickly.
"My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God."
-St. Augustine
"When you know yourself to be the beloved, and when you have friends around you with whom you live in community, you can do anything."
-Henri Nouwen
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